Family
Ties
Exodus 20:12
Mark 7:1-13
Eugene
Peterson in his book, Under the Unpredictable Plant, wrote, “In infancy,
as our eyes gradually focus, the face becomes our first vista. By means of the parental face we know ourselves
as ourselves and in its expressions learn our place in the world. In the face we acquire trust and affection
(or in some terrible cases, rejection and abuse). Our formative years are spent looking up into
the face, and we grow up toward what we are looking up to.”
Every
parent who has ever looked into the face of a newborn knows this is true. Even pastors who baptize these children see
it. When I’m holding a little one and
saying God’s words and dipping my hand into the water, he or she one will look
up at me with wide-eyed wonder believing and trusting I will not drop or drown.
That’s the
nature of those early years. Children
really have no choice. This seems to be hardwired into their nature. They will
invariably look into the face of the one who holds and feeds and sings to them
with pure love and trust. They will
listen to what their parents say and accept whatever they say as gospel truth.
They are eager to please and proud to show off each new accomplishment.
Somewhere along the way all that
begins to change. As the years go by absolute trust in parental teaching comes
into question. The transition is gradual moving from the conviction that
parents know everything, to the belief that they do not know as much as they
think they do, and ending with adolescent certainty that they know nothing at
all. In those years they become more
eager to please their friends than parents.
Pride in accomplishment is sometimes hidden beneath veiled aloofness in
an attempt to appear “cool” or “grown-up”.
This is as
it should be. Separating from parents
and establishing your own identity is part of growing up. But it is never easy – on the child or the
parent. Even in the best of relationships some kind of generation gap will
emerge. Parents will invariably
reminisce about the old days when they had to walk to school barefoot through
three feet of snow - uphill – both ways.
Kids will roll their eyes and then shake their heads when their parents
can’t figure out how to use an ipad or program their cell phones. We are each a product of our times, so our
children are a product of theirs as we are of ours. They have their own culture, their own songs,
and their own icons.
For this
reason God gave this fifth commandment as a reminder to “Honor your father and
your mother.” This command concerns the struggle between the generations and
tries to bridge the gap between traditions, which sometimes focuses too much on
the past and narcissism that says, “Nothing really important happened in this
world before me.” This commandment
establishes a connection between the past and the present so that together we
may have a future. This is the only
commandment that comes with a promise, “so that your days may be long in the
land the Lord your God is giving.”
The word for honor is in Hebrew
“kabed”, which literally translated means “heavy” or “to give weight to”. It’s opposite would be to “take lightly”, to
“treat flippantly”. Note, neither
absolute obedience nor total subservience is implied. The word does not mean, “love” or even
“like”. It means you have to take your
parents seriously, to give them their due.
This is an important distinction
because for some Dad did not follow the patient, wise, compassionate and caring
model of “Father Knows Best”. Mom did not bake chocolate chip cookies while
wearing pearls and high heels. Rather
for some, childhood memories were nightmares forged in homes wracked by rage or
consumed by a bottle or confused by a revolving merry-go-round of partners so
you never knew who would show up at the breakfast table.
That’s why for some even the Lord’s
Prayer becomes problematic because father was not a positive image. “If God is
like my father”, some think, “he is to be more feared than loved, better
avoided than embraced.” Some wonder, “How can I honor those who are responsible
for my some of my most bitter memories? I cannot change the way I feel.”
This
command does not ask you to do that. It
take not take lightly the wounds you may have suffered nor pretend these hard
memories do not exist. It does not gloss
over the sins of your parents, but neither does it gloss over yours. On this scripture is very clear, “All have
sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”[1] That’s something all of us need to remember
when we set out to judge another.
So, what
exactly is the responsibility of children to parents? If the relationship is strong and if the home
has been nurturing and if the parental example has been uplifting, the answer
is easy. You say “thank you” in every way
that matters. That may mean you make the time play golf with Dad or go shopping
with Mom. Each family has its own
traditions that express an attitude of gratitude. Ultimately it means that you
are there for them as they were there for you.
However, if the relationship has
been strained and home-life distressing and the parental example poor, then the
answer to the question, “How do I honor my mother and father” is a little
harder to find. In the seventh chapter of the gospel of Mark Jesus seems to describe
a bare minimum responsibility that is owed no matter what.
The story began with a head-to-head
confrontation with the Pharisees over some minor point of the law. They had criticized Jesus’ disciples for
failing to follow a prescribed ritual for properly washing their hands before
eating. Exasperated over one more case
of trivial nitpicking Jesus turned the tables to demonstrate their hypocrisy by
and citing the fifth commandment.
Some of the Pharisees had evidently
been using a tradition called “Corban” as a legal loophole to shield their
assets from the IRS and also to absolve themselves from their responsibility to
keep their aging parents off the streets.
Corban means, “dedicated to
God”. So, some Bible scholars believe
that some of these financially savy Pharisees stamped this word with big red
letters on their investment portfolio which indicated one day it would be given
to the Temple and so to God. Mind you
that was not going to happen that day or the next or the next. Rather it meant they were just intended to
give it one day to the Lord, perhaps leaving him to him in their Wills to be
executed the day after they died. So,
they got credit for being spiritual and generous while at the same time holding
onto their money. For them this was
win/win. For their parents living on the
economic fringe in an age before Social Security it was lose/lose.
Jesus
understood the fifth commandment then to serve as protection for those who are
at the back end of life. They are not to
be abandoned or forsaken or left alone in their rooms. He demonstrated that
upon the cross when he said to his mother Mary, “Woman behold your son” and to
his disciple “Son behold your mother.”[2] Though he would no longer be able to look
after her, he insured she would be looked after.
That means even if past nightmares
have so strained the relationship that all you can handle is a short visit,
then make a short visit. If it is such
that all you can manage is a phone call, then make the phone call. If all you can do is to send a card, then
send a card. If you can’t do anything positive at all, then refrain from doing
anything harmful. Sometimes all you can
do is walk away from a fight, but even that can be an act of grace.
Grace is
never easy. There is always a cost. It requires you sacrifice your right to
justice. It means you don’t take
vengeance, don’t try to get even. It
means you give even if you haven’t received.
Forgiveness is letting go of your desire for retribution and
retaliation. Those who have been wounded
deeply know this is hard.
In fact, the only way this may be
possible at all is to recognize that you have already received “grace upon
grace”, experienced forgiveness, and have been embraced by the love of God.[3]
Behind me is a symbol that confirms the reality of the sacrifice God made for
us. The cross tells us, no shouts to us,
“We are forgiven.” No matter what we’ve
done, how far short we’ve fallen, God’s love reached down to us before we even
thought of reaching up to him. “God
showed his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for
us.”[4] So, the Bible says, “If God so loved us, we
also ought to love one another.”[5]
Remember what I said at the
beginning of this sermon? “By means of
the parental face we know ourselves as ourselves and in its expressions learn
our place in the world. We grow up toward the one at whom we are looking.
” In the face of God our heavenly
father reflected through the face of Jesus Christ his son we begin to see
ourselves as God sees. We find our place
in the world and in our families.
Jacob’s story had a happy
ending. He reconciled with Esau. But, they all don’t end that way. No matter who takes the first step reconciliation,
renewal, and restoration may never happen because it takes two to shake hands
and make up. So, what do you do then?
Scripture outlines our
responsibility, “Love one another and outdo one another in showing honor.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.”[6] That’s probably the best way we fulfill this
fifth commandment. Show honor, be
patient and pray. Parents pray for your
children. Children pray for your
parents. Do this “so your days may be
long” and your faith strong so you will know you belong to the family of God.
Let us close with the prayer we
used to begin our worship. Join me in a
celebration for family people printed in your order of worship:
God, you have called us to live
within the privilege of family life. You
have gifted us with mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles,
grandparents and beyond these with friends who become like family.
Praise God for the gift of
family life.
Lord, we thank you for older folk who link us with
the past and enrich us with their experience.
We thank you for the newborn so rich in potential greatness and
goodness. We thank you for the gifts we
see emerging in our children.
Praise God for the gift of
family life!
Eternal Father of us all, enter our homes not as the
occupant of a guest room, but as the senior member of each household, so that
we may live out your love in the most ordinary parts of life. Keep us human as you make us holy.
Praises God for the gift of
family life! I is all your doing Lord, and wonderful in our eyes.[7]
Amen.
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